A choice i had to make

I've made a choice today to reduce my Bipolar medication. I need to prove to myself that i really am ill. I know that it may make me have psychotic symptoms and that it may hurt those that are around me but i need to do this.
I miss the illness, and i know that that may sound crazy but i feel like my personality has been taken away by the medication, that i have put a blanket over the real me so that i can conform to the norm.
I am worried about the repurcutions of doing such a thing but i feel like i really need to do this!
It can be my little secret, no one needs to know how much medication i'm on. what i am and am not taking.
Tonights dose goes from 500mg to 400mg of seroquel. I need to do this!!!!!

Bored once again

Well i'm back up to 11st 3lb which is just gross! My stomach hurts from doing sit up, my legs hurt from the gym and i just feel like a heiffer. I'm currently reading prozac nation, a book about depression. These kinds of books have a love/ hate reaction in me. I love them because i can read them and identify exactly with what the person is feeling because i've been there, but then in reading about depression, i feel myself slipping back into that realm of depression, where my inner dialogue just gets so loud and stops me getting to sleep. I start to feel lonely yet disappear more and more into myself. I need to get out of this house and clear my head, shake of these depressing thoughts and actually do some damn exercise. I'm gonna go for a walk now!

And so i stuck

Today isn't a good day for me. I weighed myself today i'm 11st 2lb which means i haven't lost anything since yesterday! I have only myself to blame though. I had a full dinner last night then i sat and ate some jalepino peppers which is just a fucking pain in the ass! I hate it when i get those eating urges and just binge. Well i'm hoping to counteract that today. It's 4:25pm and so far i've consumed 34 calories. I had 80g of fresh Rasberries (22cals) then i had a sugar free jelly(3cals) then i had a sugar free energy drink(9cals). Not too bad really. I made some new friends yesterday on the anamia boards and also on self harm community. Sometimes it's good to have someone to talk to, that gets it and can encourage you to keep going. At the end of the day, nothing tastes as good as thin feels at least thats how the saying goes. I just hope i can be strong and move this 20lb's that i wanna shift. Wish me luck people xxxx

Well deary me. didn't i fuck up!

Holy shit I'm an idiot. I went to the pub the other night expecting just to stay on the diet cokes all night. Well i managed to stay on diet coke but it happened to be mixed with double vodkas and intermittent shots of sambuca.
I guess that wouldn't have been too bad cause hey, every ones allowed to get wasted every now and again! The difference here being i just couldn't keep my fucking mouth shut!
I drunkenly decided to tell my mate (lets call him H) that when we went for a meal last week i threw it up afterwards. And trust me H has the biggest mouth on the planet.
My mate hells bells was also there but she already knew about my little problem, my boyfriend M was also there but he also knows about my little problem. I'm just so pissed off that i told H, cause I've told him about my self-harm problems in the past and he's made comments in public. I'm such a dick head!!! I'm really worried that words gonna get round and if it gets back to my family, I'm in trouble, my mother will watch me like a bloody hawk ( she's controlling enough as it is!).
I also feel like shit today cause i ate a pain au chocolat for my breakfast (244 calories) i mean fucking hell what a heifer!
I hate it when i cant control my food urges! I weighed myself today and I'm 11st 4lb, which is just fucking immense I'm 5 ft 8 inches but that still means I've got a BMI of 24.7 which is just fucking sickening!!!
I hate myself so much right now!! I hate the way my body feels, all chunky and chubby. I can feel the fat it's just gross!!!

An introduction

Hey there i'm caged and i figured i'd start a blog, a place to get my thoughts out there.
I'm 26 years old I suffer from rapid cycling bipolar affective disorder which is an extreme mood disorder in which i swing between depression and mania at an alarming rate. I hate having to rely on medication in order to function normally! I also have issues with self-harm and issues with my eating. I have a boyfriend who tries to be as understanding and supportive as he can although i can see that he struggles. I live with my family, consisting of a light hearted dad and an overbearing mother. I have three cats called shadow, Charlie and Morgan.